The very thin line between consent and date rape

The debate around date rape is old; too old. It is also new in that for centuries now it hasn’t been resolved and has caused so much complication, confusion and pain. Those of us who are sexually active, how many times has sexual intercourse been preceded by a verbal agreement to have sex? Not many times, if any. Where do we draw the line between rape and consensual sex?

Consent is mostly by way of body language, subtle signals and verbal communication that does not directly say, ‘let’s have sex’. My thesis excludes cases where brutal physical force is used, cases where date rape drugs or alcohol is used: That is straightforward rape and the law should be applied to such. My thesis centres around a woman feebly saying NO after a lengthy process of kissing and ‘romancing’. The ‘logical’ advice to give to men here would be to say, ‘take every NO to mean exactly that, NO’. But since when has sexual matters been logical?

I have heard a lot of men say, ‘If a woman agrees to come to my place, she has agreed to have sex with me. Otherwise why is she coming there?’ It’s a reasonable viewpoint, but of course it doesn’t justify rape. What woman doesn’t know that if a man invites you to his place, he wants sex? I will not presume to know what women think and I will let women speak for themselves here. Why do women go to a man’s place if they are not prepared to have sex?

If a man is travelling and he happens to remember that he has a female ‘friend’ in the city he is in, he will invite her for ‘drinks’ in his hotel room . Because his ultimate objective is to have sex with the woman, he will invite her to his room. I don’t want to believe that women are so naïve as to believe that he just wants to talk: In a hotel room? Of all the places he could have suggested to meet, he suggests his hotel room and we are supposed to believe that the woman did not know he wanted to have sex?

If, on the assumption that the woman agreed to have sex with him by coming to his room the man forces himself onto the woman, then he is guilty of rape. But if they kiss, cuddle, partially undress and the women utters a feeble NO when her panties are already on the floor and the men does not stop – can that be classified under rape? A very thin line indeed! I hope a day will come soon when women will openly ask what a man wants if he invites her to his hotel room or his place. That way, issues of protection can be discussed. Issues of expectations can also be discussed: A woman might assume that because she had sex with a man, they are now in a relationship when the man is thinking it was ‘just sex’.

The consent issue can be easy for women because men are mostly predictable when it comes to matters sexual. Women can just assume that all men; including their ‘friends’ wants to screw them and they will be fine. What are men supposed to do? Is there a difference between a smile that says, ‘I am interested in you’ and a smile that says, ‘I am human and I am just being polite’? What’s the difference between a woman who goes to a man’s office dressed in a miniskirt with the intent purpose of seducing him and a woman who just happened to be wearing a miniskirt when she decided to visit the office. How is a man supposed to differentiate between the two?

There is a lot of confusion around the issue of consent and open discussions should be held between men and women to clear the air. Or perhaps the issue is not around consent, but rather around what sex means for men and for women. But whatever it is, the thin line between consent and rape is a serious problem and a solution has to be found soon.