Five Reasons Your Wife Won’t Have Sex with You

A man is not made by physical strength, a sense of superiority or rigidity. Manhood is not predicated upon an ability to fix, make or shoot. A real man is not ashamed of softness, but he does not bow in the face of hard things. The things that make a man have nothing to do with class, race or rank. Rather manhood is found in the core values that bind together people as diverse as the gentleman scholar and warrior soldier. A man puts the woman he loves first. He wakes up at night with crying babies and closes the door as he leaves the bedroom so that his wife can sleep while he soothes. He works every day, inside and outside the house, for the life his family deserves. He knows that in marriage there is no “his and hers”, there is only “ours”. He knows this applies to the drudgery as thoroughly as it applies to the joy.  A man gives happiness before he asks for any in return.

I think there are a lot of men and women still trying to understand what manhood means and where it has a place in their lives. Some maintain 1950’s sensibilities in a world that has outgrown them like a pair of childhood saddle shoes. Others were told by people “who knew best” what to expect or deserve and woke up one day disillusioned because the people “who knew best” were wrong. Many don’t know they have the questions but sense they are short of answers. And all the while it becomes harder and harder to hold onto physical and emotional intimacy.

There are so many men that come home each day, throw their socks on the floor, turn on the TV and wonder why the women they love have stopped wanting them as men. And so many of the wives in those homes lean against the wall and wonder when that boy they married will start acting like the man they thought he would grow up to be. Then the kids go to bed, the lights are turned off and they each fall asleep until the next morning that leads to the next distant night.

Sex is at once so much more than anything else and so much less. It is a sacred language only the two of you speak and a good laugh. It is slow and love and fast and lust. It is give and take. It is an escape from the everyday and a return to yourself. It is reality and fantasy. It is need right now and forever I promise. It is giggles and fizzles and fireworks and almost there and don’t let go. It is important.

And many men can’t figure out why they’re not having it.

Ahem. Hello Sir. Yes, you. Go ahead and turn the TV off, put away the video games, walk away from the preparations for the boys only camping trip. I want to have a few words with you. You know that girl you married? The one that hasn’t let you touch her for days, weeks, months, years? Well, she’s not having sex with you for some pretty damn good reasons. If you promise to be nice, I can let you in on five of them right now. Put on your big boy pants and get ready for some truth bombs.  (Don’t worry too much, I think you are man enough to take it.)

Now, on to the things you need to do, haven’t done and can learn with flair.

ONE: Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.

You need to listen. A woman needs you to listen to their dreams, their concerns, the way a day has made her feel and the aftermath of her successes and failures. Listening to your wife is one way of showing her that she is not just a reflection glanced upon at the end of each day. It is a way of communicating to her that you know she is complete and important and of worth.

You need to remember.  And I am not just talking birthdays and anniversaries. (Although I would strongly suggest you don’t forget those.) Of course, every now and then remember to bring home your wife’s favorite flower or a packet of those pens she loves or tickets to that concert she mentioned a few months back. It is amazing what the simplest gesture will do for a woman that loves you. Also remember who your sweetheart is, remember where she hopes to go, who she hopes to become. And then on the days when the world gets too big and the rooms are too small she can call on you and you can help her remember, too. It is amazing what striving to understand the woman you love will do for the life you have together.

You need to say thank you. It can be a tiring place, this happily ever after. Yes, there is love and there are kitchen dances and sweet cream baby cheeks. But there are also sleepless nights and mortgages and post baby stretch marks. Thank her for every long day and long night. Thank her for every smile and laugh out loud. Thank her for your babies. Thank her for the dreams she pursues and the ones she puts on hold. Gratitude is often an action. Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, “Thank you.”

Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?

ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.

TWO: Take her out on a date at least twice a month. Put on spiffy clothes and take her to a restaurant, museum, movie or stroll around downtown. Open her door and put your hand on the small of her back. Be the boy she fell in love with and she will be the girl that made your heart race. Making out in the car before driving home (while optional) is strongly suggested.

THREE: If you want your wife to treat you like a man, you have to act like a man. Your wife did not marry you in order to raise you. She does not live to wash your dishes, pick up your socks or put the kids to bed by herself while you watch the game for “just five more minutes”. (Although she will happily do all of those things once in a while just because she can.) You are not her project or responsibility. There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.

Your wife married you because she decided her life would be richer and more meaningful with you as a partner. Stop trying to prove her wrong. You are her ally in adventure, tedium, fear, joy, laundry, dishes, children, lack and plenty. There is no such thing as women’s work or men’s work. There is only your life’s work together and she needs you to roll up your sleeves and dig in right alongside her. Cook dinner, change diapers and kiss bruised knees. You will be amazed at how much more happily (eagerly!) a woman will share her body when she knows you are there to share all the big and small parts of her life.

Side note: If I hear one more of you say you are “babysitting the kids” while your wife is gone, I will start handing out copies of The Feminine Mystique. (And nobody wants that.) They are your kids as thoroughly as they are hers. You aren’t babysitting, you are parenting. When she leaves don’t make her feel guilty, don’t ask her to take the baby with her (she will if she wants to) and don’t text or call to ask when she is coming home. They are just children, for heaven’s sake. I think you can handle it.

FOUR:  She needs a moment in each day that is just about her.  Your wife needs time and space, two things that are in short supply in a life full of work and play dates and pick ups. She needs room to breathe, create, to stop and do nothing at all. Every woman is different. Some of us dive into bubble baths, others walk under the stars and some (this one included) write until they find themselves at the end of a sentence. Remind her to escape. It will help her remember she wants to come back. When she returns she will be rejuvenated and renewed, the absolute opposite of, “Not tonight, honey. I am too tired.” Hint. Hint.

FIVE: It isn’t any blasted fun. Yikes. There it is. The elephant in the room. Women are more likely to want to have sex when an orgasm is involved and too often, it is not. For reasons unknown, the female orgasm has been shrouded in a cloak of mystery and unattainability. (In case you were wondering, the cloak is made of polyester and really doesn’t breathe well.) I have to lay the blame for the perpetuation of this myth at the feet of men. I believe the accepted reasoning goes something like this: “Female sexuality is very different from male sexuality therefore the workings behind it must be impenetrable.” (IMPENETRABLE! I am sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)

This, of course, is not true.

I had a professor that once gave the perfect description of the differences between the two sexes, ahem, “get up and go”. He said male sexual arousal and orgasm was like turning on a light. Locate the switch, turn it on, and let there be light. Mr. Professor then said female sexual arousal and orgasm was more like flying a plane. Once you get in the cock pit you have to flip switches and buttons in the right sequence in order to prepare for takeoff. The process is slightly more involved and yes, you have to get a feel for it. But once you do… holy cow, the sky is the limit. (Oh my gosh, I hope my Dad stopped reading two paragraphs ago.)

Don’t be intimidated. At any given moment most men can explain the rules behind the BCS, know what is happening under the hood of their favorite car and quote stats from sports people only care about when the Olympics comes around. You guys are capable of processing information and applying it in life. That is the only skill needed here. No magic involved. Educate yourself. Read a few books. Ask her questions. Women have been having orgasms since, you know, there were women. The how to’s are not a secret. Don’t be embarrassed. There is nothing cringe inducing about making your wife and her needs a priority. You are learning together and my goodness, could you ask for a better lesson plan? Practice makes perfect. I hate to say it. But to get good at sex you need to have a lot of sex. I know, such a burden. 

Hello again, sir. How are you doing? Did I say orgasm too many times? I am so sorry.

Orgasm.

Alright, so maybe you haven’t been at the top of your game the past few hours, days, weeks, months or, ahem, years. One of the purest joys of life is our ability to change for the better. Start now. Leave the TV off, take a break from the video games and postpone that camping trip. You have work to do and what a great work it is.

And my goodness, isn’t she worth it?

Source:  http://www.meginprogress.com/five-reasons-your-wife-wont-have-sex-with-you/

The day I lost my virginity

When I got married, I had never had sex with a man. I was twenty. Naturally, I was very nervous about my first time. I had been told it might be painful. Those who knew these things had told me not to expect any bleeding because I had been an avid sportsperson in school, so my hymen was likely to be already torn.

At twenty, I had watched enough porn and had fantasised about sex a lot, so I thought I knew what to expect. I had felt the tingling of my vagina as my breasts were stroked by a boyfriend before the man who eventually married me.

My first time was a huge flop. There was no pain: I would have welcomed some pain, because then I would have known I had felt something. If I had felt pain, I could always say my first time was painful. But besides the brief feeling of something entering me, I felt nothing. As I was still hoping that I would feel something as the number of his thrusts increased, he groaned and rolled off me. He was asleep in a few seconds and I stared at the ceiling for many hours, wondering what had just happened. I wondered why I felt I had just been sexually abused.

I got up, took a bath and watched some television until dawn. I was still wondering why I felt violated: He was my husband, wasn’t he?

For a year, that was our sex life: I felt violated four to five times a week and I wondered if that was all there was to marriage. He bought me food and clothes, but my parents had done that before I moved in with this man. There had to be more.

I went to baking school to try and fill the huge void I felt within me. And my business helped me when my husband drifted away. My business helped me when my husband had a girlfriend called Grace. Grace send nude pictures of herself to my husband via WhatsApp.

In a strange kind of way, I was glad Grace was in my husband’s life. I was glad because that meant he no longer had sex with me and the feeling of being violated was no longer with me.

Joshua came to our place in what I referred to as a ‘nice car’. That was about a year into my cake business. He wanted a cake for his daughter’s tenth birthday. He didn’t really know what kind of design he wanted.

‘Her favourite colours?’ I asked and I laughed at his sheepish look. At least he knew that she liked the movie, The Smurfs. I made some smurfs characters; my most adventurous cake ever. And Joshua and I spend the next two days exchanging WhatsApp images of my progress on the cake.

He came to collect the cake on a Saturday and my husband was never home on Saturdays. He asked me come with him so I could help him with the decorations. He had send his daughter to her aunt so that he could surprise her.

‘And her mom?’ I asked. He told me they were divorced and she had moved to the UK. I agreed to go with him and in a way agreed to whatever came with agreeing to go with him to his place. It was a very clean place and it was evident that it was a man’s house by all the electronic gadgets in the house.

He showed me to the kitchen and I placed the cake on the table. He took me by the hand and gently pulled me to the lounge. I knew what was going on and I was ready. He gently ran his hand across my face and slid it down to my blouse and started unbuttoning it. He undressed me to my panties, undressed himself and carried me to the bedroom. He removed my panties and gently put me on the bed.

My body trembled in pleasure as he penetrated me. My legs and arms involuntarily clung to him as I felt his stiff penis thrust into me.

I felt a flood of his sperms just as my body jerked in spasms of pleasure and I screamed. At that moment I knew I had just experienced the most pleasurable feeling in my entire life. He groaned, rolled off me and took me into his arms. As I lay on his chest, I briefly thought of the fact that I was married, but it was a brief thought. For the first time in my life, a man’s penis brought me happiness and contentment. In one day I had had three experiences that had left me very satisfied: I stood naked in front of a man, I experienced an orgasm and I discovered that sex was something to be enjoyed. That day I lost my virginity.

I was happy and I deserved it. There are those who are going to go on and on about me cheating on my husband and being a slut. I don’t care.

Reasons People Cheat

By Kendra Koger

A sad reality that many must face in relationships is that we can’t control what our mates do.  Even though you might do your best to fulfill their needs, ultimately it’s up to them if they’re going to be faithful.  But, is fidelity as simple as it seems?  Is it merely just a choice, or are some people more prone to infidelity?  Is there a science behind it?

Well, thanks to the study of many scientists, psychologists, and sociologists, I brought you studies that dissected fidelity and the myths along with it.  Remember, that with science all these things are theories, and it’s not indicative of every person that you date/marry. 

1.       “I DIDN’T SEE IT LIKE THAT”

With the constant knowledge of things that are bad for us, do you ever wonder why some people still smoke, obsessively drink, or binge, knowing what the consequences are?  People are able to do these things due to something called “cognitive dissonance.”  This is the act of separating the wrong that you do, and either trivializing it, or justifying it so you don’t seem as bad.  This behavior is very prominent in cheaters.

An experiment was published in January 2013 that proved that when people were made to feel bad about their past cheating, they saw it as such.  Whereas, if their behavior was rationalised, they were able to separate themselves from their own bad behavior leading them with thoughts like:  cheating is bad, but I’m not, because I’m a good person… even though I cheated.

2.       THEY HAVE AN ADDICTION

Within the last decade, people have been using the fact that they have a sex addiction to justify their infidelity.  While some have been skeptical, it actually is an issue for some.  Some people who have sex addictions allow themselves to do very unhealthy things for themselves and relationships, and there are recovery facilities for those who suffer.

3.       PEOPLE FIND THEM DESIRABLE (DEPENDING ON GENDER)

An experiment was recently done by recovery.org entitled “To Catch a Cheater.”  They set up a number of fake profiles on dating sites and created them with a certain level of fidelity.  Through that, they saw that their fake women profiles who were interested in cheating were hit up more by men.  Whereas the fake male profiles of cheaters were more chastised.

This pointed to the fact that some men merely want just sex, rather than a relationship.  That’s why the men in the study sought out these “taken” women.

4.       DISAPPOINTMENT

According to “dating” site AshleyMadison.com, a site that helps married people to find people to cheat on their spouses with, found that their busiest days for signup were the day before Valentine’s Day (for men) and the day after for women.  According to the site:

“While February 13th — also known as Mistress Day — saw a 271% increase in signups, there was actually a 314% decrease in signups on Valentine’s Day itself. The most prolific traffic came the day after Valentine’s as 439% more people signed up to find what’s missing in their marriage.

The huge spike in signups on the 15th was mostly driven by married women: their membership increased by a whopping 977%.

Ashleymadison.com CEO and founder Noel Biderman says expectations around the holiday drive membership: “Mistress Day is all about avoidance. People sign up to avoid the stress they know they will have to face with their spouse the following day.” He continues, “The day after Valentine’s Day is one of our biggest days of the year. People are disappointed by their spouses’ lack of effort, and they feel especially undervalued when there is a societal expectation of romance. Certain days of the year act as litmus tests for many people in relationships.”

5.       AVOIDANCE

According to the same study on the controversial site, the increase of men signing up to find a mistress the day before Valentine’s day was due to the stress that they feel society puts on men to deliver on Valentine’s day.  These men get mistresses to help them cope with the stress that they know they will face the very next day.

6.       IT’S IN YOUR GENES

The good people at Scientific American tried to find a correlation between genetics and infidelity.  They found that men who had a variant of the chemical vassopressin (which is dominant in voles) have a tendency to have problems of fidelity and in relationships in general.

Further research from the Binghamton University, State University of New York also did a study and found that people who had a variation of the chemical DRD4 had a tendency to engage in activities of infidelity.  These people also tended to be more open to social situations and taking risks.

7.       YOU GOT IT FROM YOUR MAMA/DAD

Does anyone else remember that PSA about a man who confronts his son about finding drugs in his closet, and when the father asks him:  “Where did you learn this stuff?”  The boy yells:  “I learned it from watching you, okay?!”

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!  Good memories!  ANYWHO…

That might be true for women.  Men cheating has been largely contributed to men’s evolutionary need to want to spread their seed.  Which always lead scientists to want to understand the rationale of women who have issues with fidelity.  A 17 year study was conducted to examine the reason why women cheat, and while the conclusion was that women also wanted to ensure a good genetic match for their children, some scientists aren’t convinced.

Some believe that women who are descendants of a cheating father might have inherited that behavior from said low-life.

8.       THEY HAVE A NEED FOR CONTROL

When powerful people are caught cheating, the rationale that usually comes is the fact that the person’s ego was so big that they felt that they were untouchable.  While that’s probably true, another study brought in the idea of control.

If a person is powerful, that person has a tendency to be in control of certain aspects of their lives, namely the talent that got them their power.  Though the person might not actively sit down and plan to cheat, they might go through with it for the fact that they believe that they can control the situation.

9.       PERFORMANCE ANXIETY

In a study conducted by researchers at Indiana University, Bloomington and the University of Guelph in Ontario found that a reason why some people cheat is due to stress of dealing with the anticipation of having to perform for their mate sexually.  With a person that they’re not in a relationship with, they tended to not care as much about meeting that person’s needs, allowing them to be more open sexually:

“It may be that individuals with arousal difficulties feel less pressure to perform sexually with a partner to whom they are not emotionally committed or in a relationship context which is not long- term. In addition, it may be that some individuals want to evaluate if, or believe that, their arousal difficulty is specific to their primary relationship and engage in infidelity for that reason.”

10.   TO FIX THEIR MARRIAGE (?)

The site AshleyMadison.com decided to ask its users (which are married, by the way) what attempts they made to try to save their marriage, and apparently cheating on their mate was one of the last straws.  I guess, in some way it’s a cry for help/attention. (Shoulder shrug)?

“People don’t pursue an affair at the drop of a hat.  We always knew anecdotally that people used AshleyMadison.com to stay in their marriage,” said Noel Biderman, CEO, AshleyMadison.com.  “Married people know that sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage, and they aren’t going to simply or quickly leave. They also aren’t willing to settle for abstinence for the rest of their lives, so that’s when they look for an external solution.”

11.   IF THE MAN IS FINANCIALLY DEPENDENT ON THE WOMAN

From 2001 to 2007, Christin Munsch, a sociology PhD candidate at Cornell University, studied behaviors in heterosexual relationships and the factors that affect fidelity.  Within that, she found that men who tended to depend on their female counterpart financially tended to be prone to stepping out on their mates.

Not all under-earning men tended to cheat.  Only those who weren’t on the same education, religious, and social status as their mates.

The correlation seemed that the men were more unhappy in a relationship where the women held the reigns, money-wise, sought to find happiness outside.  Their earning potential was directly correlated to their masculinity. 

12.   MORE MONEY, MORE OPPORTUNITY

The exact same study proved that men who made more money, regardless of whether or not they had the same level of education, religious beliefs and social status would cheat if the opportunity presented itself.

The more a man tended to make, coupled with increased   opportunity, and lastly an inflated sense of self, the more likely he would cheat.   But don’t feel defeated, ladies!  According to Stephanie Coontz, who also participated in the study, she had these words of encouragement:

“The take-home message for me out of this is more encouraging for women: Yes, there are guys who still take advantage. But if you are married to a guy who does work, shares your values and background, is close to the same age, and is a good partner, you should not worry at all if you make more than he does!” Coontz added.

13.   BLINDED BY BEAUTY

When a person has a risk-taker personality, it seems to be heightened when they are around someone they find attractive. 

“As it turns out, men may become blind to risk when an attractive woman enters the picture. One 2008 study found that men who played blackjack after seeing beautiful female faces took more risks than men who played the game after seeing unattractive faces.” 

Maya Angelou once said:  “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  Sometimes in relationships people might be honest about who they are, but we’ll sometimes be blind to it, ignore red flags, or think that if they spend enough time with us that they’ll realize that we’re the one.

But, as DNLee wrote in her study Hip Hop Evolution Files:  Examining Infidelity from a Biological Prospective “monogamy is a myth.”

 “Why is monogamy a myth? Well for the most part, among people and the entire animal kingdom, it rarely exists in its pure form – a single mate for life. Love ain’t so simple [and] neither is monogamy… We’re just as carnal as our beastly cousins. The truth is, more often than not, like the man in the very beginning of [Naughty by Nature's "O.P.P."] music video – who hesitates, but eventually discards the token of his monogamous relationship – many people struggle to be faithful to their mates.”

Maya Angelou once said:  “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”  Sometimes in relationships people might be honest about who they are, but we’ll sometimes be blind to it, ignore red flags, or think that if they spend enough time with us that they’ll realize that we’re the one.

But, as DNLee wrote in her study Hip Hop Evolution Files:  Examining Infidelity from a Biological Prospective “monogamy is a myth.”

 “Why is monogamy a myth? Well for the most part, among people and the entire animal kingdom, it rarely exists in its pure form – a single mate for life. Love ain’t so simple [and] neither is monogamy… We’re just as carnal as our beastly cousins. The truth is, more often than not, like the man in the very beginning of [Naughty by Nature's "O.P.P."] music video – who hesitates, but eventually discards the token of his monogamous relationship – many people struggle to be faithful to their mates.”

Marriage & Delusions of Grandeur

Today I woke up to sad news - another friend choosing to take the divorce route. I asked for compelling reasons and she said, he never delivered the "fairy tale" life I was meant to have. I asked like what? She answered, "Do you know that during our married life, he never bought me flowers, not even a single bunch!" Really, I responded, totally surprised at how delusional my friend is.

Many friends of mine are in "fairy tale" relationships but a few do not see nor appreciate it because of their "delusions of grandeur" (DOG). A couple or so have divorced because of this.

If my own husband were to buy me flowers, I would be very suspicious. He has never done that. I do not expect him to. I love flowers, especially proteas and he knows it but I have no expectation of receiving flowers from him because he gives me many other different flowers every day when we are together. Instead, I chose to be a keen gardener so wherever I am living, I have beautiful gardens so I get to wake up to beautiful flowers in my gardens everyday single day.

When my Mom is ill and I am away in the world pursuing my dreams, my husband is the first one to get there and ensures that she has the medicals and medications she needs. It warms my heart because that is a flower he would have given me. When he chooses to wake up next to me every day, a commitment he made when we married, those are flowers to me. Many men I know who buy flowers for their partners are not choosing to wake up next to them nowadays. Robert will be up at 6am to juice some fruit for me in the juicer and then bring it to bed with my blood pressure medication ensuring that I am taking the medication, which is a flower to me. A flower more precious than the ones that start dying the moment they are plucked from their habitat.

My friend continues, "I like travelling to Joburg at least twice a quarter for shopping and chilling out. He does not want to take me always moaning of budgetary constraints." Really, I respond again. But you can do it by yourself. If he does not want to come to Joburg because he has no money, why are you not using your own money to do the things that make you happy? There is silence on the other side of the phone. Then, "you do not understand my friend, you just do not get it do you?" Please help me understand, I respond and on and on the DOG mentality continues.

Peeps, stop looking next door. The grass always seems greener there, but oft times, it is greener because of the rotting muck underneath. Yours might not look that green, it is okay. But, why are you not delighting on the succulents and cycads in your garden which the neighbour does not have? After all, they are more sustainable as they are water wise.

I rest my case.

Women Cheat Too! Part 1

I’ve had quite a few emails coming through from people who want me to talk about this issue. Most are asking why women cheat or to prove that women do cheat too.

Truth is I have a lot to say about this and have all along been looking for the right words in the shortest of time in this post lol. That’s why I prefer talking about it in person but I decided we will do this in parts. I’m all about honesty and saying it as it is, some might like it some might not after this. Well yes women cheat too!! They might not shout about it the way a man would but it happens and a man might not say her woman cheated on her because of pride or ego. Most times when a woman cheats she will be branded a hoe but when a man cheats it could be said in a sentence like this ‘what do u expect men will be men’ is it fair? (We shall discuss this in another post).

As much as it’s hard for me to say, women are the most discreet of species and will go about it in a very discreet way that you might or might not find out about. This discreet nature allows emphasis to be put more on men because men get caught easily simple as. I’ll tell you one thing gents unlike you women really think hard before they cheat so it is deep. What everyone should know is everyone is capable of cheating but not everyone will cheat so let’s get this part right first. You understand? Cool let’s carry on….

The reasons why men cheat is probably the same reasons why women cheat too with a few variations here and there which is what men don’t understand. We all know most of the reasons I won’t go into details. The only different thing is when women cheat it’s more than just physical and men know that. That’s the one and only reason why men can’t handle it when their woman cheats. Many men I talk to say that a woman cheating is the absolute deal breaker, even if they even think it or dream it she’s gone lol. Yes it’s cruel and unfair if he only ‘thinks’ or ‘dreams’ when it’s not true (this could raise an issue if you dealing with a person who has lost trust in all women or is just insecure, again will be discussed in another post). He will have that stuck in his mind that his woman opened her legs to another man and for him to bear that it’s very difficult for him.

Other than prostitutes most women only open their legs when they also open their heart so am sorry gents if she has cheated before she has also opened her heart to that other guy! You should know women want sex too!! And she will be more open and willing to be intimate with a man who shows that he’s interested in something more. She has made that other guy get to a place where you only wanted to be. That’s the bold truth and that’s what hurts the most for men.

Personally I will never take back a man who has cheated on me a contract will be breached there. But most women can take a man back after they have cheated loads of times because of their own personal reasons which is fair enough it’s their choice, but its different when a woman cheats almost all cases no man will take her back because he knows he’s already lost her heart too. It will be deeper than just physical. That relationship would be dysfunctional from that point you cheat even if you try to save it for however so many years that stuff just doesn’t vanish from his mind it will creep up in every argument or it will create a very insecure or possessive human being.

Now gents listen carefully. You know when you have a good woman so treat her good be it physically, emotionally or mentally. I know women love differently from how men love but she just want the love, care and attention she’s giving you reciprocated that’s all. And most times it won’t even cost you anything but just your undivided time and attention! A man will only be insecure if she knows another man will treat her better or if he’s dealing with a hoe. If she still cheats after you treat her good then am sorry you are dealing with a hoe, she probably just want you for your money, status, good looks etc. so accept that and deal with it!

Any woman of substance will never compromise her wonderful relationship or marriage by cheating. If we start to make better choices about who we choose to be in a real relationship with, then I believe we can minimize, probably not eliminate, but minimize the frequency that men and women cheat. Because let’s face it, many men get into relationships with a disregard to woman’s feelings and not understanding and accepting their proper role in that relationship. Many women get into relationships due to impatience, bad choices, and simply settling for a man they have no business being with in the first place. I just hope we can do better and change that. Cheating in a relationship is the dumbest thing you could ever do. If you’re not happy say it and just leave! See you all in part 2!! Let me know your thoughts.

Connie TA is a blogger and this article originally appeared on her site http://connieta.com/

Women Cheat Too Part 2: What Men Need To Know

A couple of weeks ago we published an article on women and cheating, basically saying that they cheat too and exploring the reasons why. This is the second part.

A woman will leave you emotionally long before she leaves you physically. You might still “see” her, but you will no longer have her!

It’s very enlightening to find out that men do worry about women cheating as much as we women worry too. After my first blog on Women Cheat too Part 1 I have had quite a lot of response and the large number is from men.

I hope I was able to answer most questions and worries emailed to me to the best that I can. It seems that no matter how much we try to think about it men can’t seem to understand reasons why some women cheat. Every relationship is different and the reasons why a person cheats is always personal so there is no general way I can put it as to the real reason why women might cheat but I am going to try to get into scenarios and just state ways of preventing it. But in all this please remember, everyone is capable of cheating but not everyone will cheat. It’s ultimately your own choice!

Firstly gents you need to know females need lots of attention. If you want to stay relevant, stay focused on the one woman you have. Cheating is only an issue if you allow it to be, if a person cheats, the contract is breached!

Disclaimer: We might be talking a lot about this but truth is no one goes into a real relationship to be cheated on so do not tolerate it ever!!

I said last time women cheat for the very same reasons as men do with a few variations (this is what men don’t understand!). When I said few variations I meant women use their brain and heart meaning she has thought long and hard about it. And men, well, mostly it’s always thinking with what is in their pants, where they want to have their cake and eat it too and it takes him up to after an orgasm to realise he’s cheated and for guilt or pleasure to sink in.

Other than dealing with a prostitute, when a woman decides to stupidly cheat rather than addressing the issue, she has something lacking in that relationship (not saying men don’t have too when they cheat but hey, remember we are talking about women today so focus).

Gents, women need constant security, validation and affirmation. Of all the things, the most a woman wants you to pay is attention!! Women know that real men of substance have a lot going on too in their career, family and even by just being a man. However when it comes to them they also know that a man who prioritises will also find time for her and that time shouldn’t be divided between you fixing the car, being on the phone or talking to your boys etc..

And guys I know most of you like keeping your “girlfriends” too but check this out, your woman should never ever feel like she’s in a competition with another woman! (except his mother or biological sister lol another one for another day). Have boundaries and be able to distinguish between your woman and your friends. Once you are in a committed relationship you have to realize that for your new relationship to grow sometimes you have to let some of your old relationships die. This shouldn’t be a problem if you treat your woman different because whatever relationship you get into don’t treat the other person like everyone else, remember they are special.

A real woman will always do anything and everything for her relationship to work. That’s why she almost never regrets it when its time to walk away. And she also will never waste time cheating. Gents, a woman of substance knows how to make the best of a man’s time and money. A woman who lacks substance only knows how to spend it. Like I have already said before you know when you have a good woman so all this cheating business shouldn’t be a problem. It takes a man of value to recognise a woman of virtue. And as I said the last time if you are not happy just say it and leave, cheating is a weakness!! The person you choose to commit to should be a blessing in your life not a burden. Period.
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Connie TA is a blogger and this article originally appeared on her site http://connieta.com/

The societal dictates of dating

By Black Technocrat

Halfway through my first year at university, I fell in love with one of my classmates. For the first half of the year, I did not take notice of her until one day when we were in the laboratory. She and I were assigned slots that were directly across the laboratory bench.

Although we always talked and helped each other, the idea of love had never crossed my mind. One day, however, an unknown force made me raise up my head and, there she was, looking at me. Our eyes locked. I knew right away I was in love with her.

Now, one of my traits is that when I want a particular thing, I do not waste my time by dithering. "Do you mind if I talk to you after the lab?" I cut through the chase. She said she had no problem with it.

That session I pulled a remarkable delaying tactic and made sure I was the last one out of the lab. My classmate also waited. There was hope and the blessed feelings of mutual love were there and thick enough to cut with a hacksaw. My friend Andrew had thought I was merely joking but soon realized that I was not kidding. He tactfully left and waited for me just outside the lab.

So, there we were, only the two of us left in the lab. Right off the bat, I told my female classmate that I was in love with her. She looked taken aback by the bluntness. I do not beat about the bush. "I'll give you an answer later," she said.

I waited but that answer never materialized. By the end of the year, she was dating some bloke who was a third-year engineering student. After a week had elapsed without an answer, I moved on. I am notorious for quickly cutting off relationships that are fruitless.

Anyhow, I was a victim of the prevailing notion that said people in the same stream were not supposed to love each other because they were at the same level. I didn't buy it at that time; nor do I buy it now. I fell in love with my peer and yet it was bucking a very unfair trend, a Zimbabwean trend.

If you ever have the opportunity, talk to Zimbabwean men about their love experience when they were young. I can bet you most of them will tell you their romantic overtures were spurned by their contemporaries. Far be it from me to say this is the sole genesis of the ailment that has poisoned our relationships but, if I may say so, this surely is a contributing factor.

At any rate, in my final year, I sensed some friendly overtures from the woman I really loved when I was a mere first-year student but a gap of two years was way too much for me to rekindle the cold ashes of torched romantic affections.

I have brought this up to offer a perspective that you may not have been aware of. Love is complex and challenging. Men and women have fallen victims of pressure from relatives, friends and peers. This is not a simple subject whose complexities can be unravelled by looking at a few cases. Each case stands resolutely alone in its uniqueness.

Signs of immaturity in marriage

By Nobuhle Virgie

For men:

1.        Rejecting food when there's an issue: one of the things I hold in high esteem about my father is the fact that I never saw him reject my mother's food even when they had serious misunderstanding. In fact, it’s a big "sin" for his food to be unprepared when he is ready. Oga husband, you gave your wife money for food and after it was prepared you refuse to eat because you are angry. It’s one of the greatest signs of immaturity; it’s time to grow up! You should not even abandon your home for any reason, you could go somewhere when angry but ensure that you don't allow it to linger unnecessarily because that is enough for the devil to build on.

2.       Always telling your wife that you are the head: may I let you know that even when your wife disobeys/disrespect you she still knows that you are the head. You need not shout or scream it daily. It’s important for you to know when and how to be firm and put your foot down over issues, however don't become a nagging husband just to prove that you are the head.

3.       Issuing threats:
      Beating, verbally abusing your wife, issuing threats of divorce or bragging about marrying another wife does not make you a man. Your strength is in your ability to tame your tongue and control your fist. When she is acting her "childish woman" part, play the "matured man."

4.        Reporting your wife to friends and family: When your wife offends, correct and talk things through. You don't have to tell everyone about her mistakes, that will paint her black and sell her cheap such that you will not be able to redeem her back. It is also out of place for any man to love his mother more than his wife and kids, doing this only sets up your home for crisis.

5.       Competition: have you seen couples who compete with each other over material acquisitions? Their properties and investments are always in separate names. As the wife borrows to buy a Ferrari, the husband is running after a Bugatti. How childish can we be? This also leads to insecurity, jealousy and inferiority/superiority complex. Please let's check ourselves and work as a team because it’s one of the ways to succeed as a couple.

6.        Keeping malice: is it not funny to know that some men keep malice? Some of them even nag, criticise, abuse and call their wives names in public. It may make you look like a "big boy" who's in control but you are not going to gain anything good from it, your home will only be a den of insults and confrontations.

7.       Not helping with house chores: I must say here that it is the sole responsibility of a woman to tend and manage a home. However, it’s not a bad thing if a man lends a helping hand when necessary. Watching football with newspaper in your hand every evening not caring how stressful the house chores are will only increase the pressure on your wife and if you truly care you'll help, just checking on her while busy could encourage and sooth her, this also makes you a good example to the kids especially the boys. Some men don't even say "Thank You" to their wives after eating; all they do is compare her with other women. It’s also childish to say you do not care about how the kids are raised. It’s a shame that after having 3-4 kids some men cannot change a simple diaper or prepare cereal. Lastly, everyman should have a church/mosque where his family is watered and raised spiritually. This makes you accountable, it's immaturity and dangerous to be a sheep without a shepherd. As you learn and grow in the right fold, you'll be able to take the lead as the head of the home.