Why I write about sex

I was once asked why I love writing about sex. I write about sex a lot. I also write about other issues a lot, but I guess sex attracts a lot of attention. Let me address the issue of sex for a moment. I write about sex because the high rate of HIV infection is alarming. The occurrence of AIDS is extremely high. We can also do without abortions.

                The problem of HIV/AIDS is much bigger and more complex than the millions of condoms that are distributed on a daily basis. We can’t really conquer the HIV/AIDS scourge with condoms alone, we need to throw in behaviour change. And behaviour change is much broader than saying be faithful to one partner. Let me use a simple story to illustrate my point. Well, it’s not exactly a simple story.

                Once upon a time a husband brought his drinking mates home to have a Braai in the backyard. The wife dutifully cooked some sadza for her husband and his ‘friends’ and served them with a smile. The smile was misinterpreted by the men. She went to the kitchen and  busied herself with some washing up. One of the friends left everyone in the backyard and went inside the house to visit the toilet. He had to pass by the kitchen on his way to the toilet. He never got to the toilet as he went into the kitchen and started proposing love to his friend’s wife. No one knows whether he was actually on his way to the toilet and was attracted by the woman’s lovely thighs as she was bent over the kitchen sink or if he left others in the backyard with the express intention of pursuing his friend’s wife.

                She politely told him that what he was suggesting was not possible as she was married and married to his friend for that matter.  Over the next few weeks the man continued to proposition his friend’s wife and she continued turning him down. This went on for a while until the man paid the woman a visit when he knew that the husband would be at work and the children at school. He raped her and she reported the matter to the police. It is worth noting that a lot of women do not even bother reporting to the police. The husband did not believe that his friend had raped his wife and neighbours had been whispering that the woman was cheating on her husband for weeks now. Is this the reason why many women do not report the rape cases? Who is going to believe me anyway?

                On being asked why he had raped the woman, the man said he had not raped her. It had been consensual sex, he said. He confidently said that women do not actually say yes verbally, but by way of actions they show that they are interested. For many weeks his friend’s wife had shown him that she wanted him, he claimed. He had approached her in the first place because by way of actions she had encouraged him to propose love to her. So she was not supposed to great her husband’s friend with a smile?

                The woman on being asked why she hadn’t dealt with the rapist decisively the first day he uttered his nonsense: Perhaps slap him and immediately tell her husband, she said she thought she was dealing with the matter in a way that would preserve her husband’s friendship with the guy. Her husband was friends with the guy long before she married him. But the man had proven that he was surely NOT her husband’s friend. Why use a civilised approach when dealing with someone who has proven himself to be a savage?

                There is a school of thought that says that the woman let the matter drag on for weeks because she was enjoying the attention which the husband obviously did not give. She miscalculated the outcome. In a number of cases such episodes lead to a full blown affair and in other cases the rape leads to consensual sex and a long term affair which the woman will later regret.

                So who is to blame for the rape of the woman? The husband for exposing his wife to drunken savages: If he had decided that he wanted his friends to drink with him at his place, he should have also invited the friends’ wives to spend the day at his place. It was unfair of him to expect his wife to play slave to a bunch of drunken barbarians. The wife should have properly dressed down the rapist the very day he first made a move on her; her husband had a right to know that he had brought a snake into his home.

                This is just one case that shows the deep misunderstanding between men and women that will lead to all our deaths if we are not careful.